Have you ever wondered about your personality type? I have taken all of the tests available to me (and being a therapist…I have access to the best ones!) so one of the things I found out about myself is my ability to connect with people easily and profoundly in a short period of time. This means that I basically become friends with everyone around me….even if they don’t like me at first *I have my ways of persistently keep trying until they give in* #WillNeverQuit #YouWillLikeMe #CrazyNotCrazy.
Through the early years of my relationship with my husband I was truly positive that we could co-parent with biomom effectively because… I like her and I know people tend to like me *eventually at least*. So my friendly/loveable/sweet-mode’s self esteem was very high as well as my confidence levels of success on my future relationship with biomom. As you all know, and probably knew before I even finished writing the first sentence, is that things are not exactly the way I thought they would be. My husband didn’t want me talking to her unless absolutely necessary and my spiritual mentor will tell me that is best if I keep away as much as possible and let my husband communicate with her. At first I didn’t understand why but slowly I started to realize how difficult and complex my communications with her could become and how it could affect my relationships at home.
Don’t get me wrong, biomom is a good woman, but there is a reason why she and my husband didn’t make it (and there is a reason why I married him). There are very high chances that she and I won’t agree on many things *as you probably already know*. So after a couple of experiences I got to the conclusion that a relationship of respect and political correctness is better than a “friendship” or no relationship at all. Keeping things casual and being mindful…respecting her role and helping out whenever is necessary… that’s my current motto.
Have I ever wanted to show my anger or discontentment? yes. Do I get bothered sometimes at the things she does? yes. Do I have mixed emotions and sometimes negative ones towards the things that happen or the consequences of her actions? yes. Do I tell her? no. Do I lose my temper? no. Do I mention it in front of the kids? no. Do I talk to random people about her loosely? no. Why? because I always ask myself: What is the outcome that I’m looking for? Am I being a blessing to my family right now? What role am I playing at this moment?
The kids are not going to look at me or my husband as better than biomom by knowing our truth (**Truth** her actual intentions, the meaning of her actions, her flaws, her selfish decisions, her lies…whatever that may be). The kids won’t love me or my husband more because they found out how crazy (unfair, selfish, reckless, mean, *fill in the blank*) mom can be. They will be crushed to find out prematurely that all human beings are flawed and imperfect (even their own mother). Do I really want to be the one responsible for breaking their heart by allowing the reality to show? no thank you. I will actually go one extra mile to protect them so they would not have to realize their parent’s shortcomings until they are full grown adults and are able to understand the gray areas of life.
“So, my friend, listen closely;
don’t treat my words casually.
Keep your distance from such a woman;
absolutely stay out of her neighborhood.
You don’t want to squander your wonderful life,
to waste your precious life among the hardhearted.
Why should you allow strangers to take advantage of you?
Why be exploited by those who care nothing for you?
You don’t want to end your life full of regrets,
nothing but sin and bones,
Saying, “Oh, why didn’t I do what they told me?
Why did I reject a disciplined life?
Why didn’t I listen to my mentors,
or take my teachers seriously?
My life is ruined!
I haven’t one blessed thing to show for my life!”
Let’s be honest, sometimes we want to lose control and tell bio-mom how we feel about certain things… Sometimes we want to tell our step children the real reasons behind our husband’s decisions or arguments with their mom. But that wouldn’t help anyone but yourself…at first. Don’t lose control and say things that you will regret, remember that these type of relationships are fragile and you could lose your stepchildren forever by making one mistake. Blended families aren’t “normal” families, don’t think that what you say will ultimately be forgiven or forgotten. Don’t be selfish and burst out saying things that they shouldn’t hear. Put them as a priority. At the end, it has to be worth it. Surround yourself with people who mentor you spiritually and keep a disciplined life. Love sometimes means discipline, specially to our own selves.
SHARE: ARE YOU EVER TEMPTED TO SAY EVERYTHING YOU KNOW OR FEEL WITHOUT HAVING TO MEASURE THE CONSEQUENCES? HAVE YOU EVER MADE A MISTAKE SIMILAR TO THE ONES MENTIONED IN THE POST? HOW DID YOU FIX IT? WHERE YOU ABLE TO RECOVER FROM IT? DO YOU THINK IS A GOOD IDEA TO BE FRIENDS WITH BIOMOM?