Our words have so much power over us and our circumstances. It seems crazy but whatever we tell ourselves (or say out-loud) we actually end up believing or even causing it to happen (even if it wasn’t suppose to). According to Cognitive Behavioral Approaches (psychology stuff…) our thoughts, feelings and behaviors interact together constantly. This means that our thoughts determine our feelings and ultimately our actions. **important distinction between emotions and feelings. Emotions: instant reflexes of our mind to something that is circumstantial–short-term and unconsistent. Feelings: longterm emotional response towards something/someone–long-lasting and built through a process of thoughts**.
So with that said…. Everything we choose to foster in our mind will define our feelings and behaviors. This means that if you think that your teenager stepchild doesn’t like you/hates you/bothers you on purpose. If you repeat it over and over again to yourself and to other people…if you foster it in your mind… sooner or later you will actually believe it. This will drive you to feel the bitterness/hate/rejection and behave towards him/her with toxic behaviors (and the truth is that all teenagers are like that….not only this one) and with your behaviors you might be causing them to actually behave that way creating a destructive cycle.
Another example could be…. If you talk to your friends bad about biomom (because you have so many reasons to!!) if you vent too much to your family or friends; if you engage into long conversations of negativity; you will start feeling worse towards her in a very intense way. You might end up building a wall so tall and so big that will trap you and suffocate you in your own bitterness. It can also leave you so isolated and “protected” that you might not let anyone in…not your husband or the kids… and trust me (they will have to deal with biomom forever) so by doing that you are just locking yourself out of the “zone of influence” (we will talk about that in another post). When we do this we limit our own ability to build bridges.
You can’t have perspective on a situation if your head is clogged with bad feelings and toxic thoughts and you can’t be emotionally healthy if you don’t have perspective (because honey….we both know that sometimes the reality sucks and we can’t really change it). This is why we need to be careful with how much we talk to others and ourselves in a negative way.
Yes, you are allowed to feel your emotions…be angry! be sad…cry if you want to! but don’t let the momentary emotions build up thoughts in your head that are toxic… remember that your thoughts will determine your feelings and your feelings will highly influence your behaviors. Try to have only one friend that you can talk to and to describe your emotions but don’t start a whole conversation about it…. keep it simple and to the point, and at the end repeat to yourself “But I am not perfect either… is hard for all of us to have to go through this… and I understand that we are all doing the best we can”.
Having a good and healthy support group is key for this. You already have so much stress and negative emotions to be surrounded with people who will fuel them. Choose friends and mentors that can be positive in your life and that understand your place but don’t encourage you to keep on talking bad or that don’t jump into the conversation to add more negative things to it. True friends are the ones that will hear you, hug you, and tell you that Bible verse that you need to hear….
Your mind can either produce good feelings or bad ones… and your heart can give life.
“Keep vigilant watch over your heart;
that’s where life starts.
Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth;
avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip.
Keep your eyes straight ahead;
ignore all sideshow distractions.
Watch your step,
and the road will stretch out smooth before you.
Look neither right nor left;
leave evil in the dust.“
It’s so easy to see the negative side of things because we suffer them every day. This is why we need to be surrounded with people who bring light into our lives. Your perceptions of a situation will determine your attitude towards it and the possible outcome. Surround yourself with people who seek God, who respect the importance of your role in your family, who will support you and most of all who will speak positivity into your life. Don’t let people empathize with you by talking bad about the people in your life. Guard your heart from negativity because that’s where life comes from.
SHARE: IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU MIGHT BE FOSTERING IN YOUR MIND THOUGHTS THAT ARE GENERATING YOUR MORE ANXIETY AND NEGATIVITY? CAN YOU SHARE A SITUATION WHERE YOU FELL INTO YOUR OWN TRAP OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS? HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF IT?