You Won’t Leave Me

Many times we try to find solutions and we can’t find them…. it seems like there is no good choice because at the end it seems like everyone looses. I have been struggling to find “earthly” solutions to situations that need heavenly ones.

I worry about my place in my own family. I feel like an outsider even when I know that my husband and children love me. There are so many mixed emotions… is like my husband and the kids have this bond that is only theirs… and I can’t seem to get in. The kids are the most important people for my husband….and to be honest, they are to me too! but for some reason when there is an argument…if something happens were the kids “tell on me” it seems like I am left alone. Even when my husband puts effort on talking to me about it and to “mediate” I still feel that he is acting like the children’s lawyer and he is out to get me. I feel that they can only relax and be themselves when I’m not around… (kind of like when I’m talking to my mom or my sister). And I don’t blame them.. I am, after all, an outsider. Even if my relationship with them is amazing… they still feel more comfortable when they are alone with their parents.

So there are moments that I just lay on the carpet with my dog who seems to be the only one that loves me no matter what… I lay with him and wonder if I will ever feel like I’m one of them. I wonder if I should have a baby so that they finally accept me as part of the family. I wonder if I need a baby of my own to finally be a “mom” and have my own place on the dynamics of the family. If my husband’s extended family will actually care about me once I have one of “theirs” inside of me. I wonder if that could be a solution to my loneliness or my desperate need to actually BE THE MOTHER. If that will change the uncomfortable moments when biomom calls or comes over…. if that will change the arguments with my husband that end up on “you are not a mother…so you don’t know” or “you are not their mother”. I wonder if that is what’s missing from our family.

Then I remember that God brought me here. He told me that I would conquer the fears and insecurities and that He would lead me towards his promised land. He brought me and put me in the middle of the brokenness and told me to look forward and follow his commands. See…is very easy to forget my identity when I’m trying to find solutions to my situations….and I won’t find them, because the solution isn’t a baby, or something I can do or say…. The solution is a being…. the solution is God. He will make things happen…I only need to concentrate on his revelation to my life and let him do the work.

Where Next?

1-9 After the death of Moses the servant of God, God spoke to Joshua, Moses’ assistant:

“Moses my servant is dead. Get going. Cross this Jordan River, you and all the people. Cross to the country I’m giving to the People of Israel. I’m giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on—just as I promised Moses. From the wilderness and this Lebanon east to the Great River, the Euphrates River—all the Hittite country—and then west to the Great Sea. It’s all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I’ll be with you. I won’t give up on you; I won’t leave you. Strength! Courage! You are going to lead this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors. Give it everything you have, heart and soul. Make sure you carry out The Revelation that Moses commanded you, every bit of it. Don’t get off track, either left or right, so as to make sure you get to where you’re going. And don’t for a minute let this Book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you’ll get where you’re going; then you’ll succeed. Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.”

Joshua 1:1-9

We have the same opportunities that Moses had in the Bible of having such a close relationship with God that He can talk to us directly. Wouldn’t life be easier if God could tell us directly what to do? what to say? How to act? Good news is that we have access to that kind of relationship and God is unconditional to us. He will always be with us. Always.



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