All throughout my life I’ve had many good relationships and some bad ones. As an extrovert, I always found a way of being friendly to people and have unconditional acceptance for anyone. I would become friends with whoever was around me and my motto was to give everyone a fair chance, even if they had a specific reputation or if the stereotypes in my head were trying to prevent me from it.
With this attitude came a lot of pain…because not everyone is worthy of trust. I had to learn the hard way that some people are just toxic. For many years in my college experience I behaved thinking that my transparency and pure acceptance and love could somehow “help” these people to become less toxic. It turns out that I’m not the Holy Spirit so I should’t be trying to change anybody.
When I started dating my husband things started to get more complex in my life…As you know, the blended life is not particularly easy…and it came with all sorts of situations that would leave me emotionally and physically drained. That’s when I started to realize that I don’t have any more room in my life for drama. I became so overwhelmed with my own personal life and the fast and constant adjustments that had to be made, that i had no time or energy to spend on anyone (friends and family members) that would bring their own drama and toxic behaviors to it. So naturally, I had to start cutting them out.
It was hard at first… but extremely necessary. Sometimes you just need a group of friends that help you cope with the stress in your life by providing a relaxing and fun environment were you can truly rest. My girl squad needs to be a source of positivity and encouragement… not another source of stress or manipulations. So, even when it hurt a lot (and trust me…it is not easy to let go of friendships when your life motto is to never give up on people…) I started to remove myself from situations were I would encounter these people. I removed myself from group messages or chats were I would relate to them and voluntarily avoided any contact with them. It was difficult, but necessary.
As stepmoms, when we deal with manipulation and toxic behaviors from anyone outside of our family, we steal from our husband and kids. We “give away” our emotional stability to people outside of our “priority circle” and we drain our own psychological and emotional energy on meaningless relationships. We need to conserve our strength, patience and understanding for the most important people in our lives and free our mind from toxic people who aren’t providing anything positive to it.
“Frivolous talk provokes a derisive smile;
wise speech evokes nothing but respect.
No cattle, no crops;
a good harvest requires a strong ox for the plow.
A true witness never lies;
a false witness makes a business of it.
Cynics look high and low for wisdom—and never find it;
the open-minded find it right on their doorstep!
Escape quickly from the company of fools;
they’re a waste of your time, a waste of your words.”
Sometimes is easier to connect with people by having frivolous conversations. But the truth is that “ain’t nobody got time for that”. Having a blended family will require more of your time, and emotional/physical energy. Don’t waste it on foolish people… Don’t get into unnecessary arguments and battles that will drain you and have no real meaning or purpose in your life. Concentrate on talking to people who have common sense and get it. Specially if they uplift you and always encourage you to be closer to God. I wish I would’ve done that earlier in my life…
SHARE: THINK ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE… DO YOU SEE ANYONE REGULARLY THAT IS TOXIC? ARE YOU PREOCCUPIED WITH A FRIEND WHO IS CONSTANTLY GETTING MAD AT YOU? DO YOU FIND YOURSELF TRYING TO APOLOGIZE OR “FIX” YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN’T IN YOUR NUCLEAR FAMILY? ARE THEY WORTH IT? DO THEY REALLY HAVE TO BE IN YOUR LIFE? DO THEY PROVIDE POSITIVITY TO IT THAT OUT-WEIGHTS THE NEGATIVITY? CAN YOU RECHARGE YOUR ENERGIES BY HANING OUT WITH THEM OR ARE THEY DRAINING YOU?